Sisyphus Journals- May 4, 2009- I AM (extended)
high... D--X--M Copious. I generally just buy two boxes at a time now...usually drink minimum 10 packets, but sometimes get through 20. That's 300 to 600mg DXM, not to mention the other drugs that come in a packet of Neo. I've never once mentioned those, because really it's the DXM that acts like PCP. I have learned to drink it fast in large quantities at once, like a giant mug with4 or 5 packets in it, like that, otherwise you fall asleep before reaching optimal highs, and there's this period of time in the night (because of course I say up pretty much all night, still) that I'll call...The Golden Age or DXM....when for about 10 to 30 minutes, (although by this time I have no accurate sense of time), I feel euphoric, like I'm floating, and i sit on the back steps of our new beautiful house, and I look out at our new beautiful yard that has raspberry vines and floral bushes and two apply trees just now in blossom, and taller trees, really tall, set back farther, one of them with pink blossoms on it and another with white blossoms, and mixed in are Oaks I believe, maybe Birch, and I am in a state of euphoria, smoking a cigaretted at like 4am, looking at the beautiful stars and moon if it can be seen, and my rabbits are happy in their bunny room, and here I am living in a great house with a great yard (still renting, but a nice place to rent), and I could just shut up, be a good girl, let the man in my life have it his way (and he has, he has but he is so innocuous that he doesn't see it as living 'his life..' no, he just sees it as life being lived, and this is life, Trish, this is what people do, and it's me who's in fact bringing us down (he would say), just as he has always always said that in one way or another since we''ve lived together. I could shut up and go to my little clerical jobs until I'm 65, (oh, and you know, do my hobby writing on the side). What I'm saying is I could shut up and not 'fight' you know, not 'resist being controlled' and just submit, just submit. In many ways life would be easier, simpler. But let me tell you something, even in my current decrepant, mentally ill, flat out depressed or manic or anxious state(s), I can tell you with absolute clarity and conviction that I will not let a man run my life. Hmmm,. I say that, and yet....where am I? Terrible argument with Leigh tonight, His ex was at the door to pick up my step-daughter, and she wanted to see these lanterns we had purchased (for Linden's upcoming 13th birthday party which I've sort of taken on, as it will happen in our back yard, and so I have been speaking a lot with Sheri, his ex, who will be handling the food. It's going to be an evening party, lanterns in the trees, tiki torches, a barbeque then a movie, and will involve feeding about 30 kids. Anyway, Leigh sees her pass through our living room and says, and i quote, "What the hell are you doing here?" So I and Linden say nothing, And Sheri (his ex) just says, "You know I think I'll come and see the lanterns another time" And as she's walking past Leigh tells her to "get the helll out."It was brutal, I felt so bad for her. I watched them head to their car, and Linden broke into tears, and her mom just held her.Leigh and I had it out then.As soon as the door was closed, I came in (livid, like furious, and I'm not a livid furious kind of person), and I shouted (although my shouts sound like talking): "So your 12-year-old daughter is in tears in our driveway rightnow, and she got that way because of YOU!" Leigh fires back, indignant, often has this attitude of force when we argue, like he takes on the attitude, in body language and tone, which is designed to express a kind of appalling disbelief, like how could I be so stupid, that's it exactly. So, in this way he says to me, "What were you thinking, inviting her into our house? Like, you just don't get it, Trish." (He has said that to me so many times...his favourite catch phrase: "You just don't 'get it,' do you, Trish.") I won't get into every logistical detail of the argument. But basically my position was that this wasn't about him, that he should have put his own feelings aside for the sake of his daughter, because it's Linden who was hurt. And that killed me. It's one thing to fuck with me. It another thing entirely to fuck with someone I love. And I love that little girl, completely. I love all of Leigh's kids. I was brutal. I told him that he has always been a shit father, and that oh, what a surprise, he's a shit husband too, And I know that's a terrible thing to say. But if I'm being completely honest, he has not been there for those kids in the way they needed. I haven't either, because, well, a. the arrangement Leigh set up was to see them every other Sunday and occassionally during a week, one on one, and so I barely saw them too, and b. here, I will say this and not expect forgiveness or absolution, but for years I was always just so hungover on Sundays, and they were younger then and much louder and harder to be around (kids right?), so often I took off, just had to get away from it, only to return at the tail end of their Sunday visit. I think it just never occurred to me, for a long time, (only in the last few years really) that they need me, they need me to love them and let them know I'm there for them. These are things I have now (better late than never?) said to them, directly and clearly, telling them I love them, that they cal always turn to me for help, and that they are never, ever alone, as I said to Linden like a week ago when she dropped by after school (walks past our house), and somewhere in our conversation the issue came up of how different things are now, the boys living with us, and I asked her how it was for her at home. And she basically said it was sometimes hard, that her mom was unhappy (Leigh's taking her to court, you guessed it, to get more MONEY), etc. When I said to her that she had been so strong, and that I actually thought in many ways the whole transition has been harder on her than on her brothers even, because while the boys have a new environment and a kind of 'new' life to inspire them (and those two really do live the good life, no curfews (Leigh's department I think), and they do no housework or have any chores), Linden is left to be a caregiver to her mother (who really does need a lot of 'help') right now, (Linden is 12!!), so there's that pressure, plus it's a precarious age for a girl anyway, and she is left to feel the new 'weight of silence?' that no doubt ensued once her brothers left. And her brothers, being resentful of her, that she did not get kicked out, treat her badly, are either apathetic or they reject her outright. Anyway, I just said that I understood how hard it must be for her, and she cried. I got up, crossed the room, held her up, hugged her close for a long time and told her I loved her so much, and that she would never, ever be alone again. I have my issues, speak a lot of suicide and I will again, I know it. But worst case scenario, if I end up dead, let it be that I imparted something good upon my step-children, that they have been somehow more loved in this life because they have felt my love for them. It is such a gift. I had no idea. |
