| Got a paper cut on the corner of my mouth while licking an 8 and a half by 11 envelope today.Hands are dry from gel sanitizer.Feeling down. Reality is setting in, and I don't like it. Whichever path I imagine seems impossible. Maybe Montreal. I think maybe that would work. I need to get far far far away.Crushed, smothered, Unfairly judged, always someone's new psyche 'case.' Fuck this. I wish I'd never let anyone in on anything that was ever happening to me. That was the worst thing I could have done, going into the hospital and the events that followed. I should have lied and said I was away on a writing retreat or something.I need to get far far away. walk in snow, listen to a water heater tick in a drafty Montreal apartment.Start over.Become anonymous.Speak that Montreal language. Leonard Cohen's nude.I have it in me to drop off the radar. I drop off the radar, isolate, because the more isolated I am, the fewer people there are out there to mirror myself back to me. When alone, I am unaccountable, unknown.For someone who can't stand the terror of being on my own, I contradict myself by seeking it out at every turn, only to run back with my heart thumping in my throat. |
